Ed.
Just Ed?
Edward.
Edward Chilton.
Well, now, we have quite a file here, don't we, Ed?
Are we proud of it?
Ah, I should think not.
It says here that you cut your mother's head off.
Is that right?
So you're a mother killer.
That's your game, eh, Edward?
No.
Absolutely not.
Well, excuse my conjecture,
but I think if you cut her head off,
it sort of follows that you killed her, does it not?
No, sir.
She was already dead.
You cut your mother's head off after she was dead?
Son, you are one sick individual.
Your Honor,
this whole case that my esteemed colleague
is attempting to build is nothing but a sham!
Now, I have here a letter that will prove, once and for all,
that my client is innocent.
Innocent as a white lamb suckling against its mother.
Innocent as a fresh fall of snow on a forest of pine.
Innocent as a newborn babe nestling in his mother's arms.
Innocent as a 15 year old virgin covered in honey,
her nipples pert and erect,
topping a pair of supple but not yet quite formed...
Would you just show me the letter?
Oh, yes, the letter.
How did I ever get myself into this?
Sex, that's what it's all about.
From the onset of puberty,
what occupies 90% of our time?
The pursuit of sex, right?
Ed,
sex is life,
and if it was a pronoun, she'd be it.
Our new neighbor is some piece of work.
I'm doing this for your benefit.
You could at least feign excitement.
Have you heard anything I've been saying here?
Another perfectly good lecture gone to waste.
Ed, you got to start putting this behind you.
Uncle Benny, she was my mother, and I miss her.
Is that so terrible?
No, no, that's fine, that's great, that's wonderful,
but the fact remains
that you're here and she's dead.
Gone.
Buried.
Kaput.
Deceased.
- Pushing up the daisies. - I get the idea.
You don't act like it.
You've gotta start forgetting her.
Hey, you got $60,000 from her insurance.
That pretty much would covered my grief on anybody.
I just find it a little hard to get along without her.
Ed, you're dysfunctional.
I am not!
I'm a normal son mourning the loss of his beloved mother.
For almost a year.
I didn't mourn the wreck
of my first Studebaker for that long.
I don't think it Studebaker
is on the same level as Mother.
Besides, I made her a promise.
Big deal!
You lie, I do it all the time.
Hey, do you think that she's gonna know
the difference anyway?
That's not the point.
Ed, mothers were made to be lied to.
You didn't act this way when your father died.
That was 10 years ago.
Besides, I wasn't exactly his favorite person.
Your father loved you dearly.
He hated my guts.
Hate's kind of a strong word.
Always called me Junior.
And he always wore that stupid hat just to annoy Mother.
I kinda liked his hat.
Ho, I'm gonna be late for work.
You own the place!
What are you gonna do, fire yourself
if you're five minutes late?!
Not me.
Mother's the one who can't tolerate tardiness.
Ed, she's dead.
Quit talking about her in the present tense!
Morning, Big Lar.
Good morning.
Thanks for opening up.
I'm running a little late.
No problem, Mr. Chilton.
Can you, uh...
Thanks.
- Yeah? - I picked up this
new brochure from America's Best.
Their line of mulching mowers has been totally revamped.
They're looking good.
We've been through this already, Big Lar.
Side discharge mowing was good enough for Mother,
it's good enough for us.
Maybe she was wrong about this, Mr. Chilton.
Things change, you know?
I've been looking around.
Mulching mowers are selling real good all over.
The decisions been made.
I don't wanna discuss it.
Chilton Hardware.
Tool for every need, a need for every tool.
Mm-hm.
The longest blades we got, 13 inches.
Oh, I surely think you could slice
your cheating whore of a wife in two with it.
Mm-hm.
Well, that'd work too.
Of course, a chainsaw is gonna cost you quite a bit more.
Mm-hm.
Well, whenever you decide, you drop on by.
God bless you too.
Good morning.
Good morning, sir.
I'm looking for the owner of this fine establishment.
That'd be Mr. Chilton.
That's right.
Thank you.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Well, now, Mr. Chilton, I believe you may.
Or rather, I think we may be able to help each other.
My name is Pattle.
AJ Pattle, the Happy People Corporation
of Webster City, Iowa.
Heard of us?
Not many people have.
We sort of cater to a select clientele,
if you know what I mean.
Is there some place we could talk?
Right here is fine with me.
Uh, I was thinking of someplace a bit more private.
What I'm selling ain't exactly hardware.
Because I could tell you right now, mister,
I'm not interested.
Nothing illegal.
And you are gonna be interested.
Back here.
Have a seat.
Well?
Edward Joseph Chilton,
your mother died almost a year ago, and you miss her.
Well, that's only natural,
seeing as how you're such a mama's boy and all.
No, I mean that in the best possible sense.
Life.
- Insurance? - Not insurance.
Just plain life.
Fun, joy, dancing in the moonlight,
you know, that kinda stuff.
Ed, what if I told you that for a mere thousand dollars,
life can be yours?
A thousand dollars for life.
Almost too good to be true, wouldn't you say?
But I'm already alive.
Not you.
Your mother.
Yes.
For a thousand bucks, we'll bring her back to life.
Ed, this isn't the Second Coming we're talking here.
It's a simple reanimation.
We do it all the time.
You know, we've got a customer list as long as your arm.
Farmers, poets, politicians, rock stars,
we've dealt with them all.
Did you know that some of the top people in Washington
have been dead for years?
Oh, this is nuts.
No, no, I'm sorry, I think you better leave.
Well, this isn't for everybody.
You don't want your mother back alive.
That's certainly your option.
Wait, wait.
Did you say that I don't have to pay a penny
until you bring Mother home alive?
It's guaranteed.
Morning, Ed.
I'll get right back to you.
It's nobody, just go back to bed.
- But I thought that I saw... - Go back to bed!
- I... - Now!
Jeez.
The boy gets more like his mother every day.
It's 5:30 in the morning.
Yup, it's 5:30.
You're right.
Something wrong?
Ed, why don't you come over to my car a second?
Did you get Mother?
You didn't get her, did you?
Oh, your mother's right here.
You put my mother in the trunk?
Well, jeez, Ed, she's dead.
You think I wanna get her all over my seats?
Let me see her.
I don't know, Ed, she's been dead a while.
It's not real pretty.
I wanna see her.
Oh my god, she's in pieces!
Well, that's kind of the problem.
Why'd you cut her up?!
That's how we found her.
She donate some of her organs or something?
Well, she donated some
to the Oy Gevalt School of Medicine.
Mother was big on education.
Well, that's nice, but this, this is a disaster.
It's like putting a car together without a transmission.
Can't you do something?
I don't know, Ed.
I mean, oh, here, look at this.
If we reanimate with her brain like this,
she's gonna be good for slobbering
and watching Married With Children and that's about it.
It's hardly worth the effort.
Wait, wait, you have to do something.
We made a deal.
Oh, we're pretty backed up.
A job like this will take a lot of time.
Now, we'd be talking some real money to do it right.
We agreed on a price.
I'm not paying you a penny more.
Ed, you don't have to put down one red cent.
And despite all the trouble,
I'm gonna make it worth every penny to you.
I'll even take the rush charges on the cuff.
No catch.
Just that when your mother does come back to life
and you're perfectly satisfied she's all right,
it's gonna cost, um, 3,500.
We agreed on a thousand.
Aw, come on, Ed, be reasonable.
You didn't tell me she was chopped to pieces.
You couldn't have done a much better job
if you'd run her through a sausage grinder.
And to top it off, half her organs are missing.
You know how hard it is to find a replacement kidney
for a 1936 two-legged Caucasian female?
2,500.
That doesn't even cover my gas to drive here.
I might as well stick her back in the grave
and put a rock on her.
Take it or leave it.
All right.
But I gotta have a thousand upfront.
My company will throw this out the door,
but if I have your check in hand,
it's not a lot they can do.
Wait here.
But I want her alive and back at the house tomorrow night
by midnight or else the deal's off.
You drive a hard bargain.
My mother was a hardware man.
She taught me it's better to be a hammer than a nail.
Thank you, God.
Thank you.
Great.
All right.
A week.
No, make that a month, a month of going to church
if you'll just make a turn around.
Do it.
Please.
Turn around.
Oh, there you are.
I thought maybe you'd gone to bed.
Why, thanks, Ed.
I don't mind if I do miss the opportunity of a lifetime.
Never mind.
What are you all dolled up for?
No reason.
Shouldn't you be off to bed?
You look really tired.
It's only nine o'clock.
This place is a mess.
Guess my little talk did some good, huh?
So you have protection?
Shield that gator, no regrets later.
Uncle Benny.
I'm your uncle.
It's my job to ask you these questions.
Now, look, you want me to hide in the kitchen and watch?
That way I can call out suggestions
in case you get stuck on what to do next?
This isn't what you think.
- I don't... - I understand.
You're shy.
You want some privacy.
Forget I even asked.
I'll just wish you well and toddle off to bed.
But if she should prove to be more than you can handle,
I'll be right up here.
Mother?
No.
Oh, I'm sorry, I was expecting someone else.
No, not at all.
I was just coming home and I saw your light on,
so I thought I'd come over and introduce myself.
Oh.
My name is Storm.
As in electrical.
I'm Ed Chilton.
I own Chilton's Hardware over on 4th and Union.
Say, if you need any locks and bolts or anything,
just give me a holler.
I've also got a whole new line of snap-on tools.
I've seen you watching me.
No, um, that's not mine.
I mean, that's not me.
I, uh...
I like it when you watch me.
You like to have people watch you?
No, not people.
Just you.
Are you sure you have the right neighbor?
Positive.
No, ma'am, it sure doesn't.
Do you want me?
Yes or no?
Yes.
Mm, oh.
Did I say yes?
I meant no.
Um, well, uh, let me qualify that.
I mean no as in not right now.
But some other time, big yes.
You don't mind leaving by the backdoor, do you?
Wait, Ed, there's a nine-foot fence out there.
Well, get a good run, you should be able to clear it.
Eddie, I'm home!
Is it really you?
Yes, Eddie, it's really me!
This is my favorite part of the job.
Oh, this nice man gave me a ride home.
Give him a tip, dear, so he can be on his way.
I'll settle for my check.
Oh.
Oh my goodness!
I know just what's been going on here.
You do?
What mother worth her salt wouldn't?
Oh, could you make this out
to the Happy People Corporation?
It wasn't my fault, Mother.
I just opened the door and she was...
I know it wasn't your fault, Eddie.
It was Uncle Benny's fault.
He's been spying on the neighbors again.
Thought I got rid of this thing years ago.
Oh, no!
Who's been putting their feet up on a sofa?
Well, I can see you two have a lot to talk about,
so I'll be on my way.
Uh, thank you, Mr. Pattle.
Eddie dear, your milk and cookies are ready!
Morning, Uncle Benny.
Ed, your mother's in the refrigerator.
Oh, good morning, dear.
Are you ready for your cranberry juice?
Thank you.
What am I gonna do?
Ed, I got up this morning, got the newspaper,
poured my Corn Flakes, opened the refrigerator.
You can well imagine my surprise
when I saw your mother sitting there feeling potatoes.
I'm having a little trouble dealing with this,
so give me just a minute, okay?
I hope you didn't dig to the bottom
of the Corn Flakes for the prize like you always do!
And that reminds me, Benny,
have you been putting your feet up on the sofa?
It's absolutely filthy!
Ed, this is a goddamn nightmare!
Benny!
I will not have that sort of talk in this house!
Shut the door!
You brought her back, didn't you?
Don't be silly, she was dead, how could I bring her back?
I don't know, but it makes sense.
You're the one that wanted her back.
You're the one who's always crying
about how you couldn't live without her.
Did you publish one of those prayers
to Saint Jude in the paper again?
Is that how you did this?
Benny?
What!
Shut up and eat your Corn Flakes!
Ed, listen to me!
This is not meant to be.
It's just not right!
This is morally wrong!
Where the hell is my telescope?!
Hi, Ed.
Hi there.
I wanted to apologize for last night.
I got a little lonely and had a couple drinks.
Oh, please, I'm the one who should be apologizing to you
for rushing you out that way.
Maybe we could have dinner.
Uh, sure.
Actually, I can't tonight.
We're having a little trouble with Mother.
She's not feeling too good.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's probably the heat.
Yeah, that could be.
Um, I should be getting off to work.
So...
I have a car.
Benny.
What are you doing?
Boy, this takes the frosting right off my cake.
I guess hiding it wasn't enough, huh?
Had to destroy the damn thing.
Give it to me.
Give it to me!
Oh.
Afternoon.
Good afternoon.
Excuse me, sir, what...
Oh my god.
There's nobody out there.
Hardly pays to stay open anymore.
Oh, Edward.
What are you doing out?
I thought you got 10 years.
Time off for good behavior.
Hell, I'm a model citizen.
Oh.
Mm.
Where's your mom?
She's not here.
Oh, too bad.
I wanted to see her.
You know, she should never had sent me away,
should never have pressed those charges against me.
That was a stupid thing to do.
You were stealing from us.
I steal from everyone.
You don't see them getting all hyper about it, now do you?
Hm?
Mother did what was right.
You see, Edward,
sometimes when you do what's right, do what's right,
you have to pay the price.
Does that make sense?!
So where is she?
Well, I'll be darned.
Rob Sundheimer.
Has it been 10 years already?
Boy, time sure does pass.
How's your little brother Timmy doing?
He's still going to school?
Oh, yeah, yeah, he's over in college over at Ames.
He's doing real well.
Good for him.
I bet your mom's real happy
that at least one of you is gonna amount to something.
Yeah, well, she's real proud.
We all are.
Well,
I guess I better skedaddle.
Say hi to your mom, Ed.
Boy, oh, boy, I'd sure hate
to be in your shoes, Mr. Chilton.
One day, a cow mooed at him the wrong way,
whack, right between the eyes.
Darnedest thing.
Mother, I'm home!
My god.
Uncle Benny!
Uncle Benny, what happened?
She just collapsed.
Guess we'll have to rebury her.
Do you think we'll have to get another plot
or will they let us use the same one again?
Ed, don't go rushing off.
We can find out about it tomorrow.
I'm going to bring the car around
to take her to the hospital,
which is what you should've done in the first place.
Whoa there, Ed!
Where are you going in such a hurry?
We've got to get Mother to a doctor.
She's really sick.
No, she's not sick.
She's dead.
You brought her back to life.
No, we brought her back from the dead.
Well, the difference is she doesn't need a doctor.
They don't treat the dead.
More life.
Have I not kept my word on every deal we made?
I busted my hump on this deal and this is the thanks I get?
Well, all right, fine.
I'm not gonna force you to be ripped off by me anymore.
What did you mean before when you said
she needs more life?
I'd sure enough like to tell you, Ed,
but I'm a salesman.
That's how I make my living.
I feel terrible about charging you, Ed, I really do.
How much?
900.
900?!
I'm giving you our Happy People good customer discount.
$900?!
Hey, we're talking the secret of life here.
This isn't something you pick up
as a blue light special down at Kmart.
Boy.
Make that out to the
- Happy People Corporation. - Corporation, yeah, I know.
She's right here.
Give me some room to work, Ed.
This is Mr. Pattle.
He's from the Happy People Corporation.
Yee-haw!
Pardon me.
I think I'll go fix supper.
This kit contains life.
You get hurt two of these every night before bedtime,
she'll be fine.
By the way, Ed, you're in luck.
These kits are on sale.
349.99.
This is not right.
Lady's dead.
She shouldn't be here.
You oughta take her back.
She isn't some Christmas present you can return
just because it's the wrong size.
Look, everybody panics at first,
but these things always work out.
Why don't you just give it a few days and see what happens?
Whoa!
Jesus!
Bugs?!
Not bugs.
Life.
I'm supposed to feed these to...
Uh-huh, every night before bedtime, two of them.
Never more, never less.
Oh my god.
Mother has to eat bugs.
Oh, but only live ones
so she can add their life to her own.
Throw out the dead ones.
They won't do her any good.
Unless, of course, she just wants a snack.
You'll get used to it.
Everybody does.
When it's your time, why don't you have Ed give us a call.
We'll see what we can do.
Ed.
Thanks for the business.
Coming!
Yes, dear
Oh, fine!
Supper's ready.
You poor fucks must be starved.
That was kind of unusual language for Mother,
didn't you think?
♪ Happy people live forever
♪ Happy people never die
♪ Happy people live forever
♪ People just like you and I
♪ Happy people live forever
♪ Happy people never die
No, it won't be long, no.
I just have an important question to ask you.
Have you ever considered the advantages of perpetual life?
♪ Happy live forever
♪ Happy people never die
♪ Happy people
Thank you, sir.
Thank You, Maureen.
Come on, Sam, I just sold Chilton a kit.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, for 349.99.
- Big deal. - I gave him the sale price.
Oh, come on, AJ.
The guy got 60 grand in insurance money.
He doesn't need to be buying shit on sale.
He's a good kid, I thought I'd give him a break.
Look, we've got to get what we can
out of this reanimation thing as fast as possible.
The Japanese are working on
their own version, you know that?
The Dutch already have a prototype.
And it's rumored that they're coming out
with home reanimation software this fall.
It's play or fold time, AJ.
I don't think it would be so terrible
to let our customers be happy once in a while, do you?
Go into the flower business.
You wanna stay in this business,
you make the final sale to this hardware man
and you have his check on my desk for $50,000 in two days.
Morning, Uncle Benny.
Didn't this wall used to be blue?
Your mother painted it this morning.
She also rearranged the cupboards,
polished the silverware, did all the floors,
started herself a dress, and baked a few pies.
You want some?
She ate all the bugs.
Great deduction, Sherlock.
Well, how'd she get them?
You know, Ed,
I didn't mind when you drug out the Ouija board
or got those tarot cards or had the seance at midnight.
Fine with me.
I didn't even mind when you had the psychic readings
with that smelly, fat guy
that stunk up the house for a week.
I never said a word.
But this is too much.
It's not right.
It's not meant to be.
I want you to go to that Mr. Pattle,
ask for your thousand dollars back...
Actually, it's more like 3,700.
Well, there were a few extra expenses.
Whatever.
Just get your money back
and have him put your mother back
in her grave where she belongs.
I don't think he's gonna give me my money back.
All right, forget the money.
Your mother's dead.
Let her rest in peace for God's sakes.
Darn it, Uncle Benny.
She's my mother.
I lost her once, I'm not gonna lose her again.
I made her a promise.
Hey, my favorite show's about to come on telescope.
Television.
Hi, Ed.
Hi.
Oh, no, please.
I was just whittling a loon.
Can I get you a lemonade or Popsicle?
No thanks.
You wanna talk about it?
Whatever's bothering you.
Is it your mother?
No.
Why do you say that?
Well, you said she wasn't feeling well.
I thought maybe it was serious.
It's not serious.
She's fine now.
I mean, she was a little sick.
Okay, I'm sorry I asked.
I'm sorry, I...
I guess I'm a little tired.
Maybe I should go to bed.
Ed?
Mm
Yeah, sure.
It's, uh...
You go through this door and then up these stairs over here,
and that's your first door on the left.
Okay.
Yee-haw!
Oh.
- Oh. - Uh, I've gotta go.
Mother's calling.
Oh, well, um, all right.
Uh, I'll see you tomorrow?
- Yeah. - Okay.
Woo!
Oh, hi, Eddie.
How's it hanging?
I saw you with that neighbor girl.
Oh, well, she's very nice, Mother.
Oh, she's a tramp!
No, she's not like that at all.
She'll break your heart.
Stay at home with me.
After all, that's where all good sons belong anyhow.
Don't you think you should settle down?
Heck no.
Oh, I could dance the whole night away!
Matter of fact, I just might.
Well, I'm going to bed.
Ooh!
Morning, Ed!
Oh, good morning, Reverend.
Can I do for you?
Have those 490-pound spring-loaded,
blue gauge steel Ticonda bear traps come in yet?
Look, Reverend, I know this is none of my business,
but are you really sure that's what you want?
You think maybe I should get a stronger load?
No.
What I meant was shouldn't you try
marriage counseling or something first?
Ed, when that whore gets caught
in a 490-pound spring-loaded,
blue gauge steel Ticonda bear trap,
that's all the marriage counseling we'll ever need.
Look, I don't think I can...
Ed, I like to grease the high board better than anyone,
and if it was only four or five guys,
I'd have no problem with that.
But when I come home and find her doing the two backed beast
with the entire church council,
well, by God, that's going too far,
especially since half the council's women.
That's when I take a stand!
That's when I'm counted as a man!
That's when I throw my balls up over my shoulder
and charge into the fire!
Are you following this, son?
Just get me the trap.
Right.
Chilton's Hardware.
Tool for every need, need for every...
Oh, hi, Uncle Benny.
Oh.
Um, okay, well, I'll be right home.
Excuse me, Reverend.
Uh, Big Lar, can you help the Reverend, please?
Oh, boy.
Then I said, if you can't come down 10,000,
I'm walking out the door.
Then I walked out the door!
Right out the door!
Speed out the door!
Ed!
I bet you remember your Uncle Bill
- and your Aunt Sophie. - Aunt Sophie!
- Hi, it's great to see you. - From your father's side
- of the family. - Hello there, hi.
- Where's... - You must mean your Aunt May,
your mother's identical twin sister,
who's up visiting from Missouri for couple of weeks.
Oh, Aunt May, yes, right.
Where is she?
She's out in the kitchen,
fixing a little lunch for all of us.
I'll just go see how she's doing.
Great idea.
I just can't get over
how much May looks like your late sister.
It's almost like having her back from the grave.
Exactly.
Oh, oh, oh.
There.
Pardon my reach.
Oh, what cute little doggy.
Oh, thank you.
For the sandwiches.
Oh, right.
I'll get it.
Oh, boy, these look delicious.
I hope you didn't work up too much of a sweat
just like all of us.
Don't be silly.
No sweat at all.
As a matter of fact, I found I stay much cooler
ever since I quit wearing underwear.
Well, let's dig in!
Mm! Mm!
This is good.
Oh, that is delicious!
Mm, that's very different flavors for me.
Well, thank you.
I left the drinks in the kitchen.
I'll go get them.
No, it's all right, dear.
I'll be right back.
You know, I'm not real hungry.
Give that to little doggy.
Where's Tucker anyway?
Tucker.
Tuck.
Tucker, wucker, Tucky.
- Tucker! - Tucky.
Bill, please find him.
Tucker, where'd you go?
Mother!
What are you doing?
Making paste for the sandwiches, why?
Their dog was missing and I thought...
Oh, no, dear.
Their little doggy's right here.
- Tucker! - Oh, now,
look at those cute bright eyes!
Down there, Tucker?
- Tucker, come on, Tucker. - Here, Tucky.
Mama, Tucky-Wucky, were are...
- Tucky, Tuck-Tuck. - Tuck!
- Tucker! - Tucky-Wucky, Tucker.
Little Tuck-Tuck!
Go on, go.
You have to get rid of them, Uncle Benny.
Tuck!
I don't know, but be subtle, okay?
You don't wanna offend them.
I'll take care of it.
Oh, look, we found him!
Benny, we found Tuck.
We got our little Tucky back, yes.
Hello, baby.
Get the hell outta here!
Ed.
What were you doing in my house?
Um, I was looking for you.
I just had to see you again.
You wanna come inside?
Sure, I have a few minutes.
Ouch. Dammit.
It's gonna have to keep her for tonight.
Here you go, sis!
Just the way you like them, fresh and squiggly.
Yum-yum, yum-yum.
Come on, take them.
I don't wanna watch unless I have to.
Ed!
Uh, I think it's time for me to be getting home.
No.
I think it's time for the bedroom.
Mm.
Who could that be?
I'll take care of it and I'll be right back.
Ed, there you are.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
Uncle Benny, what's the matter?
Ed, hurry up.
I'm waiting for you.
The neighbor?
Were you and her...
Oh my god.
Ed, you gotta let me go across the street, get my camera.
This is definitely a Kodak moment.
Uncle Benny, what did you want?
It's your mother, she's gone.
How did she get out?
Maybe she just burrowed out the basement.
Did you check the refrigerator?
She's not in the refrigerator.
She's not anyplace in the house.
Think maybe she went down by the river?
She could've gone down by the river
to catch herself a rat.
Oh, no. Let's go.
Uncle Benny, come on.
Ed.
Ed?
Ed had to go, but if you're looking for some company,
I've got a few minutes and I would be happy...
Why, hello, Robert!
It's nice to see you again.
Oh, well, come and sit down.
You know, everybody in town kept telling me you were dead.
Now, why would they tell you a thing like that?
What'd you say?
I said why would they tell you a thing like that?!
I don't know, but it didn't work.
I'm gonna get you,
because once I start out for revenge,
I never stop, never stop.
Does that make sense?
Yes.
And good for you, Robert.
Stick-to-itiveness is a virtue in any line of work.
Would you care for some tea?
Oh, yeah, tea.
That sounds good.
Tea would really hit the spot.
Does that make sense?
Oh, yes, of course.
I'll be right.
Mother!
We're never going to find her.
You should go back home in case she shows up there.
I'm gonna check the stockyards,
the animal shelter, and the petting zoo,
just in case.
Finger sandwiches.
Oh, yes.
This is frigging coffee!
You said tea!
You know, you're absolutely right.
Oh, how could I make such a silly mistake?
I'll have some tea for you in a second, dear.
Yeah.
Oh my, this is so embarrassing,
but we seem to be all out of tea.
I'm afraid you'll just have to
settle for this!
We need to powwow.
You never said anything like this was gonna happen.
You told me this was gonna be a clean deal, Mr. Pattle.
How clean do you expect it to be?
We make a living feeding bugs to dead people,
for crying out loud.
Look, all I know is that we've gone
from the Happy People Corporation
to Murder Incorporated in one fell swoop.
Do you think I'm a happy man because of this?
Do you think I sleep well at night?
Jeez, I can't remember the last time
I got a good night's sleep.
And I've got an ulcer the size of Lake Michigan.
She killed a man.
No, she killed a jailbird.
What's gonna happen to him?
Listen, sweetheart, I didn't hire you
and put you in this home to shake your ass a few times
and then run like a scared rabbit
the moment things get a little confusing around here.
You wanna keep this job, you play ball, capisce?
Yeah, I wanna keep this job, but not that bad.
She can't get out now.
There's only two keys.
We watch them both carefully, everything will be fine.
Here's yours.
Ed, you gotta do her.
What?
Snuff her.
Rub her out.
Pump her full of lead.
Waste her.
Reintroduce her to the big sleep.
That'd be murder.
Why are you always so dramatic?
How can it be murder?
She's already dead.
Look, we've got new locks on the doors.
We'll feed her lots of bugs.
That oughta keep her at home nights.
Don't be stupid.
I think it's a perfectly logical solution
to the problem we have.
I think Mother would agree with me.
Oh, yeah, there's a ringing endorsement.
Don't you understand?
Life is a drug and she is addicted.
The more she gets, the more she wants.
Yesterday was bugs.
Today, humans.
Tomorrow, horses?
What then
What are you gonna do?
Take her on an eating safari?
I will not hurt Mother!
I made her a promise!
What the hell is this promise that you keep talking about?
I promised her, that no matter what,
I'd never say goodbye.
That's the promise?
Jeez, that's the dumbest thing that I ever heard.
It is not.
She is playing pathologist with our good chainsaw,
and you're worried about some promise
that you made to her.
I gave her my word, Uncle Benny.
I intend to keep it, regardless of what you think.
Piss on it.
I'll do it myself.
Ed, could you come up here for a second?
Ed, I think we got a bigger problem than we thought.
What are you looking for?
Mr. Pattle's phone number.
I think we better call him.
That's a great idea.
He's been a marvelous help so far.
Mr. Pattle, this is that Ed Chilton.
Yeah, I need to talk to you.
Okay, I can be there in 10 minutes.
Right.
Ed, I don't want to add to your misery or anything,
but you really oughta see this.
Well, I've had my eye on her from time to time,
and it would appear to me she's leaving.
Why does all this stuff have to happen to me?
Watch Mother.
What are you doing?
Leaving.
I don't know.
I don't know that either.
Just going to leave and then we'll never see
each other again, is that it?
I don't get it.
I thought we had something special,
and now you're leaving without a word,
without telling me a thing?
Ed, you're in my way.
Mr. Pattle.
Ed, you said you had some sort of trouble?
I've gotta put Mother back in the grave.
Well, jeez, Ed, that's kind of a big change in attitude.
Are you sure?
I don't have a choice.
It's not the same.
I thought it would be, but she's different.
Well, can you help me?
Well, sure I can, Ed,
but the putting her back in the grave secret,
that's a big one.
Gonna cost a bundle.
Well, I've gotta do it.
How much?
$50,000.
Now, I realize that's an awful lot of money,
but let's consider what you're getting.
A solution to all your problems,
an end to this misery your life has become,
and let's face it, Ed,
you don't want people remembering her this way.
Let them remember the fine, sweet, loving woman she was,
not the monster she's become.
Be a good son.
Honor your mother's memory.
Do the right thing.
But you're taking the last of the insurance money
I got from Mother.
In a way, then, it's kinda fitting, wouldn't you say?
Oh, Benny.
Sorry, Benny.
You'll be all right.
Good morning.
Morning, Lar!
How do I look?
Good.
Real good for someone who's dead.
I picked this up at Beyers this morning.
Punishing me for all the terrible deeds
I've done in the past, thereby reforming my future?
Of course not!
Say, could you help me with the lawnmowers?
Oh, sure, Mrs. Chilton.
- They're back there. - Yeah, I know.
Are you the ghost of Independence Day past?
Are there gonna be three of you?
Is there a moral lesson
I'm supposed to be drawing from this?
You got anything bigger than this?
Mrs. Chilton, this is plenty of mower
for the little lawn you got.
How much would it take to cut a dog in two?
Big one.
Say, a shepherd.
Five horsepower oughta do her in one pass.
Hmm.
Get me something three times that.
Jeez, you'd be talking a rider then.
A rider it shall be.
Okay, I think I got it.
Well, there's one more part.
If you don't bury her head
in the northeast corner of the cemetery,
between the first and the 12th stroke of midnight,
she'll walk this earth for a thousand years.
That doesn't sound good.
Particularly since she'll randomly kill anything
that crosses her path, starting with whoever buried her.
Is there anything else?
Oh, yeah.
You gotta do it yourself,
because you're the one who contracted it.
And once you bury the head,
bury her body in the southwest corner
with her neck pointing toward her head.
Neck toward head.
Is that it?
Okay.
Thanks for the drink.
Ed.
Good luck.
Thanks.
Come on.
You ready, huh?
I'll teach you a lesson about stealing another woman's son!
Eat grass, bitch!
Die!
Mother!
Eddie, am I ever glad to see you!
This thing got stuck in gear
and I didn't know how to stop it!
Eddie dear.
No, Ed!
I'm your mother.
Let's forget all about this nonsense and go right on home.
I'll fix your favorite breakfast,
pancakes with syrup, maple syrup,
eggs, sunny-side up, bacon with grease,
everything you like, just the way you like it.
This is her fault!
She's the one that gave me the overdose.
She's the one that got me addicted to life!
She's the villain!
Ouch.
Where am I?
We're in the cemetery, Mother.
You did.
I'm putting you back in the grave where you belong.
Oh, Eddie, don't you think you're overreacting a little?
Mother, just be quiet, will you?
Heck no, I've got all eternity to be quiet.
I wanna talk!
I wanna sing!
♪ My Bonnie lies over the ocean ♪
♪ My Bonnie lies over the sea
♪ My Bonnie lies over the ocean ♪
♪ Oh, bring back Come on.
You wanna get rid of me?
Look, this is harder on me than it is on you.
Then why don't you give me the shovel
and you get right in here and spend the rest of eternity
with worms burrowing through your skull?
I love you.
Ed, wait.
At least give me one last kiss.
Please.
It's the last thing I'll ever ask of you.
Eddie, you promised you'd never say goodbye.
Mother, you don't understand.
I'm not saying goodbye, not in my heart.
I'll think of you a hundred times a day.
I'll be sad every night your place is empty at the table.
I'll smile every time I think of something
that would've amused you.
But we each have to move on.
We have to take the path that's meant for us.
But you will still be my mother
and I will still be your son.
And I will still love you, always.
Eddie, I love you so.
Mother.
Too late, Eddie!
You screwed up again!
I'm gonna live!
Goodbye, Mother.
What's going on?
Well, it seems the Reverend went crazy,
chased his wife into the church,
and tried to catch her head in a bear trap.
That harlot's turned this holy place
into the devil's playground!
I don't know what set him off!
He tried to kill me!
He thought that I was cheating on him!
I wasn't, I wasn't!
Yeah, I'm sure of that, ma'am.
Oh, where would he get such an idea?
Where?!
I don't know, ma'am.
Sometimes, they just flip out.
Wasn't your fault.
Why don't you go inside and calm yourself?
Just put this incident behind you.
Thank you, officer.
So what are you doing here anyway?
I was just praying at my mother's grave.
At midnight?
I pray for her a lot.
Well, I think you best get on outta here.
This is nothing for a God-fearing man to see.
Thank you.
Son, you are one sick individual.
Have you reached a verdict?
Yes, Your Honor, we have.
How find you?
We find the defendant not guilty.
What?!
Not guilty.
I don't know.
Guess your luck is changing, Mr. Chilton.
You know the part about being a virgin,
you got me on that, yes, sir.
Ed, I'm glad you got off.
Look, no matter what they say, it wasn't just business.
I really did fall in love with you.
You're the kindest, sweetest, most...
Now, I told myself I wouldn't cry.
You're the most wonderful thing
that's ever happened to me, and I blew it.
I, um, I'll never forget you.
I just wanted you to know that.
Oh, by the way, I need a job.
What are you doing?
She was in on this.
People are watching.
She ruined your mother.
Forget Mother.
She's dead.
Oh, sorry, we're...
Ed, before you say anything,
I want you to know I am truly sorry how things turned out.
It's okay.
It's all in the past.
You don't understand.
Happy customers is what we're all about,
so I came up with a perfect way to make things up to you.
Wait.
Hello, Junior.
It's great to be back.
♪ Everything right is wrong again ♪
♪ Just like in The Long, Long Trailer ♪
♪ All the dishes got broken, the car kept driving ♪
♪ And nobody would stop to save her ♪
♪ Wake me when it's over, touch my face ♪
♪ Tell me every word has been erased ♪
♪ Don't you want to know the reason ♪
♪ Why the cupboard's not appealing ♪
♪ Don't you get the feeling
♪ That everything that's right is wrong again ♪
♪ You're a weasel overcome with dinge ♪
♪ Weasel overcome, but not before the damage done ♪
♪ The healing doesn't stop the feeling ♪
♪ Everything right is wrong again ♪
♪ Just like in The Long, Long Trailer ♪
♪ All the dishes got broken and the car kept driving ♪
♪ And nobody would stop to save her ♪
♪ And now, the song is over now ♪
♪ The song is over now
♪ Everything right is wrong again ♪
♪ Every movement false
♪ Every four is waltz again
♪ Every five and dime's been gained and spent ♪
♪ Tell me that you like my float upstream ♪
♪ Draw the line dividing laugh and scream ♪
♪ You know everything that I know ♪
♪ So I know you've heard the voice ♪
♪ That makes the silent noise
♪ That says that everything that's right is wrong again ♪
♪ You're a weasel overcome with dinge ♪
♪ Weasel overcome, but not before the damage done ♪
♪ The healing doesn't stop the feeling ♪
♪ Everything right is wrong again ♪
♪ Just like in The Long, Long Trailer ♪
♪ All the dishes got broken and the car kept driving ♪
♪ And nobody would stop to save her ♪
♪ And now, the song is over now ♪
♪ The song is over now
♪ Happy people live forever
♪ Happy people never die
♪ Happy people live forever
♪ People just like you and I
♪ Happy people live forever
♪ Happy people never die
♪ Happy people live forever
♪ People just like you and I
♪ Other people seem to suffer
♪ Other people seem to cry
♪ Other people find another
♪ Place to go and then they die ♪
♪ Happy people live forever
♪ Happy people never die
♪ Happy people live forever
♪ People just like you and I